I recently asked the cards for advice on the nature of a friendship in which I was feeling very confused about. I felt like my intuition and gut was contradicting with a barrage of messages that were quite aggressive energetically. My impulse was to retreat, but I felt a sense of guilt about it. Yet I knew on a certain level I was being drained, and I had to protect myself in some way from it. Even if it meant completely cutting off all contact from any sources of this person.
Mind you, I still love Said Person dearly, and this was also the main reason of why I was so confused: was I being unfair in feeling betrayed, angry, upset at what I felt energetically was a psychic violation of boundaries? Should I just ‘tough’ it up, even if meant that other areas of my life- such as my relationship with my husband and my job- were compromised dearly?
In this universe, everything is energy, and what is taken from one source is drained from another. So I could feel this famine hit especially hard.
The cards were always very insightful in this case. I got The Empress to signify my role in this relationship. My husband recently read through our conversations and he told me that I was always the one giving insight, advice, therapy in the relationship, and that when I talked about myself, I was often ignored (something I sort of shoved aside as part of the whims of FB messenger). I was sort of in denial about this, because every time I had provided advice, this friend had always seemed to be receptive and willing to change, but then the same previous patterns of behaviour would crop up, only this time with inundations to make it ‘acceptable’ in line with what I had said before. For example, if I had asked her to stop X because it was too much, she would thank me for acknowledging my boundaries and then repeat X right after. This confused me, because I felt like I should acknowledge the boundaries that were falsely created while in turn ignoring my own feelings which were not as important as the issue presented by her.
2 of swords also made me a little sad, because it sort of was in line with what I felt psychically: an inability to see what was in front of her, and the messages I delivered through the Tarot from her guides. I often read the Tarot for her, and her guides always had the same three messages of letting things grow naturally (in line with the seasons: slow growth is sustained growth), being present (not basing decisions on past trauma or future anxieties; more easily said than done and I totally acknowledge the impossibility of this without practical action) and listening to your intuition rather than the opinion of others (for example, not relying constantly on others to read your Tarot. Ha).
I think what drew the line was when she consulted another friend Tarot-reader and told me his readings were “more nuanced” and helped her more. I tried not to read too much into this, even though this only fuelled a sense of betrayal at having spent all my energy only to be treated with ingratitude. Although at the time, I, again, shoved these feelings aside as invalid. I realize that what drives that comment is not really about me, but her need for immediate reassurance so as to not have to face the reality (take off the blindfold, in other words), and sometimes the frank messages I keep getting from her guides may be contradicting with what she wants at that exact moment.
(Side note: My husband recently forbid me from doing the Tarot for free- in general, another boundary affirmation I’m glad to put into practice. Tarot is a channeling process and requires a lot of energy for me to do. Casually doing it is not a feasible thing.)
I really feel I want the best for her, and that I hope she will be able to take away the blindfolds and self-sabotaging patterns I keep seeing (also represented so vividly in this card). Nothing has changed for me intuitively about this situation, only a lesser willingness to deal with boundary violation and energy drainage than before. She is not a bad person- at all- but a creative, beautiful person with a huge potential for great things when she’s not boiled down by the issues that drag her into the past and future.
Yet, for my own self-preservation and also to be able to have energy for other avenues in my life, I feel I have to distance myself. Maybe for a few days. Maybe for longer. I don’t know yet. But until the energetic pattern of this relationship changes, I think I’m going to try to diverge my energy into people and things that grow in the sun and feed my world, rather than shadowy emotions that drag you into the past under the light of the moon. I had a ‘psychotic’ episode recently because of all this that brought that into consciousness. I realized that if I were to lurk further, I would be dragged into my own past, into similarly self-destructive and irrational behaviours. It had to be stopped, now. The lunar eclipse is tonight, and it’s supposed to bring closure, and the release of past trauma. I will have to go through this doorway by myself, in order for this healing process to be complete.
I feel a sense of serenity and release about my decision, and at least that is a sign that everything is going to be fine.