|The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli|
Recently, I was dragged into what I call the ‘in-between’ realm (sometimes called the fourth dimension), when I woke up and I felt like a dark entity was tugging on my legs insistently. It projected forth the image of a cult leader whose exposure I had been following, only this time the image was not really the person-herself, but a projection of an entity through her body, again projected outward in a hologram. Unnerving, I suppose.
I remember feeling a sense of revulsion towards that figure, and I had the instinct to call upon Archangel Michael (maybe I had read somewhere long ago that he is the angel of protection). It’s funny how entities in the fourth dimension have such form and force, but ‘higher dimensional’ entities often turn up invisible in the ‘in-between realm’. Either way, this worked, it went away, and I just lay in a bed for a bit, confused. It didn’t feel like I had woken up. I was very much lucid and conscious. It was like I had slipped from one dimension to another seamlessly, like falling out of a bed.
I heard somewhere that the fourth dimension is where all darker emotional states, souls that cannot achieve rest or resolve issues, ‘lower vibrational states’ as some say, exist. In Buddhist thought, this is one of the circles of hell (don’t ask me which). In Noh Theatre, this manifests tangibly on stage as entities and ghosts haunted by a single emotion for the whole of time. They are stuck in a certain fragment of their lives, and time has expanded from the linear to the circular for them, so their existences become defined by adherence to that singular emotion they cannot let go. Usually, these emotions are fear, rage, anger, grief, bitterness. Emotions that ‘stick’.
That is why I feel like that it is very important to not be caught up in the trap of defining yourself or identifying with a single emotion. I think it’s normal to feel terrible emotions, especially if you have experienced some form of deep trauma. In fact, it’s also normal for the body to enact the psyche’s emotions in unconscious ticks, obsessions, compulsions, etc. But to define oneself by one’s negative emotion causes a quick fall into the victim mindset, so that you are trapped in a similar circular hell of your own devising.
This is a topic that I have been discussing with friends lately, among with other issues regarding boundaries. When is it my responsibility to deal with someone else’s self-victimization? Is it ever my responsibility if it’s their choice to break out of that jail cell or not? I don’t think it is. Does it make me feel like an ugly ogre who is insensitive to the emotions of others? Yes, but that’s just a feeling! The fact that I absorb energies around me like a sponge means that it is hard for me to distinguish between what’s Me and what’s Someone Else. This division is confusing enough. When someone tries to ‘latch onto me’ energetically, I instantly feel it and I have difficulty separating myself from it. This happened this morning, and I remember the feeling of panic at not knowing how to detach from it. Thankfully, I just told the person I felt it, and she let it go after that.
|St Michael Fighting the Dragon by Albrecht Durer. 1497 – 1498|
In the end, I came up with the conclusion that no one is responsible for anyone else’s healing but themselves. That also means, I am in charge of my own healing. I am in charge of letting go of emotional states when they no longer serve me (and there are healthy ways to do this without going back into the emotion and risk the whole Circle of Hell business). This, in itself, gives me the agency to change my reality. In actuality, of course, one only makes baby steps. But that’s fine with me. I know when I am growing because when I look back one month, three months, three years, I hardly recognize myself.
I think that the human spirit is incredibly resilient, but we have to choose resilience over victimization in order not to become Narcissistic Monsters (the truest expression of the haunting ghost). The thing is, to be an empath is also to fall into the trap easily that only You matter to the exclusion of all else, because you feel so deeply everything around you. But that’s also not true. I read an article that Narcissists and Empaths aren’t really as different as it makes it out to be. When you throw things into Good Vs. Bad categories, though, it’s easy for one to become the other, just as cult leaders often start off with good intentions.
When I was a teenager, I used to have all spectrums of sleep paralysis experiences every night. I was pulled out of body for a week, then wrestled and poked, then spoken to and grabbed, etc. Every week, something different would happen as if these entities were experimenting on me for fun. I was mostly annoyed, because I wanted my sleep and it was annoying to have to call upon Christ every night to get rid of them so I could go back to sleep. I realize, now, though, that that may have been a way for my subconscious to deal with the very raw realities I was, for the most part, ignoring (family drama, for example). By wrestling with them tangibly in the ‘shadow realm’, I was also able to grow up without any major traumatic hiccups (although this is arguable, ha) as some do.
Perhaps not all ‘bad’ experiences are bad, then, but just a way for us to evolve. That’s a different point-of-view, and I know some will object that I don’t understand how they’ve suffered, how much pain they’ve gone through. But that’s the thing: I do, but I also realize you need to take the tools and operate on yourself, to get better. To heal.
And that’s a lifetime’s journey.