Lately, I had experienced a family event that sort of made me spiral again into the past into feelings of abandonment, depression and crippling sadness. The kind of sad that sort of wells within your heart randomly during your day and leaves you at the brink of tears when you’re teaching a lesson. That same day, my husband gave me an intense back massage and said he found many knots and tensions buried in my back. He massaged pretty deep because I passed out and had to be carried to bed. I felt such a somatic release from something or other. When I woke up, the feelings of sad were gone and I thought it was almost miraculous.
Nonetheless, the physiological feelings of hurt are mirrored in the psychological realm in which I am still trying to unknot the tangles within my mind. I feel like every time I try to take the surgical tools to dissect the tangle of thorns that is my past, I feel more confused than before. The universe did send me a friend, J, who had a similar poisonous parental figure as me and that helped make me realize things I knew deep inside already: I was not insane, what did to me was not right. It was ok to feel that I had been twisted and manipulated and used for someone else’s narrative. It didn’t make me a bad person.
Which brings me to today. Today, I kept feeling a strong presence on my left hand side. It was very overpowering and the first time it appeared today, I was walking with my husband and I mentioned it to him for the first time. Upon returning home, I had the feeling to ask a friend about it. She told me that if it was distracting me, I should communicate with it and ask it if it had a message for me. Initially, I felt an instant blockage of “I can’t do that” but that feeling soon passed. I knew exactly what to do but was just avoiding the fact of it because intuitively tuning into the other dimensions was too overwhelming for me. So I pretended I wasn’t doing it and I closed my eyes and felt it.
It was a huge, beautiful light, very tall and overpowering. There was a familiarity to it; I feel like it followed me around and I felt it especially during the moments when I played the piano or I was just daydreaming on the carpet. It felt like a huge light body enveloped me and told me that it loved me. I asked it what message it had and it asked me to do the Tarot. I was surprised- duh! Of course. So I drew initially, the first time, The Tower. I was scared at seeing the Tower, instantly imagining my stepmum’s voice telling me that everything I was was wrong. But the spirit asked me to draw two more cards, so I got Ten of Cups and The Hierophant. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I went out to prepare food. When I was cutting peppers, I could feel its presence and it was suddenly bigger than before. It surrounded me and it was of such height I had not felt previously. I remember feeling fear that I was opening a part of myself I was not ready for. The same feeling I got when I was given the option to open myself to channel but I chose not to open the door. The same friend told me later that she had a feeling it was an ancestor on my mother’s side and that made a lot of sense to me. I felt like it was also telling me that I should spend more time in meditation in order to tune into its energy and energies like it.
Sometimes, especially getting an ‘energy cleanse’- what I refer to going through intense negativity and shadow feelings in order to get to the ‘light side’- you lose track of where you are in your narrative, even if you know this initial feeling of being lost is just momentary. Every cleansing is always preceded by a period of time in which every sadness, pain and fear is amplified tenfold. But after, the smoke clears, I feel lightness on the inside and more in tune with my intuition than before. I think that the spirit was telling me something like that.
For some reason, I talked again to my old friend C for the first time in days. I had the feeling to tell her about this and she said the exact same thing as my previous friend M, that the spirit had a message for me and it meant good, not bad things. When I mentioned the Tarot and the cards I got, C also told me that the Tower probably meant the bad stuff crashing down making way for a new beginning. The fear shroud dissolved and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. The Hierophant, I think, also meant the establishment of new systems of thought based on my own principles. All this mirrors the process of cleansing and rebuilding I have been doing through the process of writing and dialoguing with others who are going through similar healing journeys.
I feel like I need to trust my intuitive voice more. The feeling I got when I started tuning into the spirit on my left hand side was so familiar but it also made me fearful that I would open the door too wide I would not be able to close it. It was like the feeling of starting drawing after a drought and being inundated by a dam of messages I could not control. I felt like the spirit wanted to tell me many things and the streams of messages that flowed in kept on going on. I was almost overwhelmed the the messages of love, of taking it slow and not being too caught up or carried away in the minutiae of my mind. It delivered surprisingly grounded advice I felt I already knew but was ignoring, sweeping under the rug as I instinctively did sometimes when the earth realm got to be too much.
Now I think I am going through a period of meditation and cleansing. I’m not sure what the future will bring, but I feel more chapters will be closed, and new ones opened. I feel I have learned an important lesson in the past month. A lot of progress has been made about the nature of relationships, boundaries and how to work with my own self-being. The universe has also been telling me that I do not need to fear too much that I will lose control, or that I am being unfair for certain feelings I’ve been having. It’s telling me to take breaths, to walk, one foot at a time, in the future.
And I think I’m fine with that.