When we hear the word ‘twin flame’ or ‘soulmate’, we usually romanticize about a person who completes us, so we do not have to do the dirty work of healing ourselves. In reality, soul relationships always involve either some kind of unresolved karma or, in the case of twin flames, to an imperative healing-to-be-done. In a twin flame relationship, all the shades of shadow hidden in the cloistered areas of your soul are forced into light so you have nothing to hide, forcing you to integrate unintegrated bits of yourself across various timelines. It is a dark, scary path that the twin relationship beckons, and I think if people realized how messy and dirty such deep shadow work can be, they would be less likely to romanticize the idea of a twin flame.
But firstly, I want to address the whole issue of romanticized love, because I feel that the very phrase ‘twin flame’ is a misleading one because of its automatic associations. If your only reference is that of an idealized form of love culled from romantic narratives (a reference many of us have, partly thanks to Disney movies), your tendency is to shift your immediate focus away from what is happening right now in your reality. You are more likely to superimpose ideals of how-things-should-be upon what-already-is, creating a kind of disassociation from reality. Contrary to healing and integrating bits of yourself that are unhealed, you are actually leading yourself away from you because you are feeding an idea that is outside yourself. As such, it seems a bit ridiculous to think that a twin relationship will immediately make your problems disappear. To the contrary, you can expect the opposite: they will exemplify and amplify each issue you have to deal with, in order for you to move towards wholeness. After all, healing always takes place imperatively in the here-and-now, from a grounded place where one is tuning into one’s innermost energies.
I wanted to preface my article with this important point about the discongruity between reality and ideal (or the abstract and the real) because I have seen abusers use the twin flame dynamic as an alluring bait to snare the person they want to hook onto. If you have an innermost hunger to be completed by another person, it usually points to a missing soul-fragment and deep vulnerability that usually only arises from unhealed wounds. Thus, people who desire twin flame relationships often find themselves in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser because these types of people promise to heal one’s wounds without the necessary groundwork of rooting and coming back to one’s own self. Often, such false twin flames call out to their victims with a kind of urgency: you must complete me right now, or we will miss the chance for this lifetime. In reality, twin flame relationships have their own rhythm that usually stretches out for years, sometimes without even meeting (even if they are always energetically connected). They are slow seeds that germinate over time, and this type of urgent calling is a huge red flag. Moreover, fake twin flames tend to call out the ego from its hiding place, swaying their victims with ideas that they are unique and special, and have been ‘chosen’ in some way. This is a sure-fire way to silence the intuition and feed the ego, paving way for a relationship based upon imbalance.
So… how do you know what is a real or false twin relationship? (Notice I excluded ‘flame’ because I don’t like the suggestion that it is all a whirlwind of romance and passion). Well, for one, usually people in such a relationship do not even know they are in one! I think it is really not useful to hold on to the idea of a twin relationship unless you are actually in one and hence, you are seeking a framework that helps you to make sense of what you are going through, as such relationships are usually quite intense and filled with serendipities and strange happenings.
How does such a relationship feel? I suppose the clearest example I can give is that it is like part of your soul is enveloped in the other, and they are part of you. There is a familarity and ‘homeliness’ that is hard for me to explain. You may have gone through your entire life feeling like you have lost your home, but this person makes you feel, for once, fully integrated and whole. Even if you have lots of issues to resolve and fragments of yourself to gather, this feeling of wholeness with your twin is a gentle reminder that all is right, and will come back to itself.
In the end, I feel like all relationships have value: whether they be soul mates, soul family or twin ‘flames’. All come to help us integrate bits of ourselves so we do not repeat the same negative patterns. Twin ‘flames’, in this light, are a calling from the universe to heal yourself. This is the key theme: to uncover past traumas and bring them into light, but in the most accelerated way. During such a relationship, you will experience many serendipities, dreams, ‘foretellings’ that seem mundane and normal. It’s good not to overthink it, either. I feel like a healthy skepticism is needed, and these signs are just reassurances that what you are experiencing is real and valid. In the end, all signs point to one goal: the path towards wholeness and integration.