The Spider’s Bite

yokai ii copy.jpg Recently, I had to perform a painful action, perhaps the most forthright and painful decision I’ve made in my life, although perhaps this combination of self-assertiveness and rightful action was also self-empowering. Most of my life, I have refrained from making decisions that resulted in certain and abrupt endings because I feared conflict. But in a way, the universe and my intuition was imploring me so intensely this time that I knew I had to do it because staying would be an act of self-harm. Staying meant I would have to step upon my own dignity and apologize for something that I had not done, giving the person in question false control over how things would go on in the future. To put it simply: I was tired of this kind of power game and I wanted just and rightful action.

Without getting into detail, let’s just say that it involved deceit, manipulation and a fair share of double-talk and narrative-twisting on the part of the party alluded to. Of course, this kind of reality manipulation means speaking out is dangerous so I can only speak in riddles. Let’s say that I drew the Tarot before and after the event and spent a prolonged time meditating upon it.

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Ace of Swords represents justice revealing truth. Temperance as an opposing card suggests the difficulty of achieving fairness in the face of truth. The abundance of pentacles in the past represents an over-evaluation of money and 3 of wands as a future card suggests I will be more assertive in future relationships. The Moon represented the confusion felt by both parties, the Chariot my position in-between two sides and my attempts to make the right and just decision. 5 of cups represented the loss but 3 of cups suggested that through this loss, I would gain new friendships.

After breaking off contact, I felt initially a huge sigh of release as if I had broken free from a vampiric bond that had been sucking my creativity before without me knowing it. My friend J gave the allusion of a red-back spider that injects just a little venom so you’re hooked, but you go on pattering about your life not knowing you are being fed upon. Also, the venom is so sweet and affirming you drink it because it gives you the illusion that you are making micro-progress when in fact you’re just scrambling about in an elaborate web.  If and when you leave them or doubt them, you may feel a temporary space and presence but then they will send you psychic daggers in their wake.

Sure enough, this release was short-lived, as I soon found my head crowded by dark and penetrating thoughts. It was like the party involved was attacking my energy field through my mind, crowding it with intrusive voices about how I was being too rash, abrupt, unfair. I had spent a whole day composing my ending words for this person and I had done so foreseeing all the possible reactions that would be possible, in addition to how my words could be potentially used against me. This required me to think three or four steps in advance and it also made me feel like I was doing the right thing when I checked in with my intuition and received a solid, resounding yes. The finality of my ending essay made me feel good, like I was truly asserting a boundary (A boundary! For once in my life!). It felt empowering. But this crowd of voices made me question my actions: was I being unfair in deciding I did not want to partake of the venom? I realized, though, that even a small one-sentence reply would give this person enough to web me back in, so I said no firmly.

At some point, the intrusive voices morphed into a crowd of ugly voices telling me how this person was a pure, beautiful snowflake. Didn’t I know that by accusing this person of the things I suspected they were guilty of (with plenty of evidence, of course), I was a demon? How could I question this person’s purity? By questioning, I am guilty. But then I had enough and I decided to go about a cord-cutting ritual. I did not have to deal with energy penetration against my own consent.

Usually, when I do cord-cutting rituals, I take the thread between me and the person and I slice it clean with a wooden dagger. But this time, I felt like such an abrupt ending would be dangerous because an open, cut cord could easily be webbed back in or even torn further apart. So I called upon Archangel Michael and my guides to come into my energy field and cut the cords for me, wishing the other party the best for their future and also patching up any holes that remained as a result of this in my energy field.

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Right after the ritual, I felt an overwhelming amount of lightness. I felt bathed in a pool of light energy. The spirit that always appears when I was in times of need in the past came to my right again and I felt it for the consequent days. A second before the ritual, I had felt pretty heavy with dark thoughts but they all dispersed immediately, replaced by lightness. I realized then that the other party was probably trying to pull me back into their field, if only for a last sting. I had not read this person’s ending messages at that point, because I felt that they were full of hooks meant to provoke me to having the last word. They had not respected my wishes to cut off all contact, anyhow, by sending me hate-filled messages telling me that I was the problem, I was the one projecting upon them by telling them what I saw. Honestly, I had gone through this whole drama many times in my life and I was not interested in a re-hashing, even if it meant that I would feel self-righteous about it: that would be stooping to their level.

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Reversed 3 of hearts cut with King of Pentacles and Queen of Pentacles on its side suggests that I was leaving the materialism of the pentacles suit, although our past was predominated by a sharing of feelings (Queen of Cups). The present would involve the clashing of wands among friends, intellect would win (Page of Swords, swords being my dominant suite). By listening to my intuition, I was the High Priestess exercising my power by cutting off this toxic energy, thereby letting light in (the Sun). It also told me to keep away from illusions of vanity and power (what led this person astray in the first place) in order to be able to create my reality (the Magician).

Shortly after I had sent my last words, I had drawn the cards again and I got this reading. It told me that it felt like my heart was breaking but it wasn’t necessary what I thought it was: I had escaped a dangerous thing, like the ending of a toxic relationship.

This whole affair made me wonder: How could I fall into this trap when I thought I had known narcissistic personalities from the inside-out? How could I have fallen out of one problematic friendship into another? The following days was filled mostly with disturbing flashbacks to things that were said in the past that I ignored. After talking to someone who was not a mutual friend (my policy being that I could only talk about this affair to a neutral party who was not involved), I realized that I had not known what was happening because this person is highly seductive. They told me all the sweet words I wanted to hear, all the affirmations that I longed for, under the guise of ‘support’. Flattery in-of-itself is a type of venom. It tears down your shields easily by supplying the need for validation. If you consider someone an ally and part of your support group, you will feel an immense amount of guilt and self-doubt if you question their motives when they let slip in ‘off’ phrases.

3d3e1-octopus  Besides flattery, this person also cords their subjects. I am sure of it, seeing I felt a huge amount of emotional space and detachment after calling in my spiritual support team to cut cords for me. The dark cloud I felt immediately dissipated, and when I checked the cord attaching myself to the person, it was gone.

Energetic cords are normal, but the really insidious ones are like snakes because they hide hidden motives. They snake their way in deep into your deepest spots, hooking into your most vulnerable spots. Often, the predator adapts and changes according to its prey in order to form a false intimacy where confession is the norm, providing a kind of constant high. However, this kind of connection is short-lived, really, because one party invariably has to move on out of the victim space if they are interested in getting well. My friend made the analogy of the spider, saying that this type of person webs their victims in, only given enough results for them to be hooked but not to be free of them. The web represents the endlessness of being caught in your issues but seeing micro-progress so you remain in the toxic dynamic which in turn provides an on-going amount of supply to the predator.

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But what are the motives? They are usually vanity, formlessness. Everything is a means to define one’s self, even if it is stealing; money acquired by any means is fine, law is just a fine print, and everything is a play to affirm one’s ego. Art, words, accolades are just ways to dress one’s self-image in fine clothes to give the impression of being at once both put-together yet also utterly vulnerable: the frail orphan-child in eternal distress. They are the eternal victim parading their victimhood to the world. If you question them, asking them where and how they could be dressed in such beautiful garments, they fly into hypersensitivity victim mode, accusing you of being the aggressor in the mere act of questioning. They are enemies of the law, because they operate according to emotional manipulation and seeing with your emotions makes you blind to reason. Many times, I felt like I was being played like a violin to their song, or like I was just another accessory to their presence, providing them credibility as the somewhat eccentric artist best friend.

How do you recognize a predator when its someone close to you? How do you know if you are supply to a spider/snake? This is really the hardest question. Unfortunately, I believe that once hooked, people tend to be unreceptive to the truth because it destroys their image of the person and their emotional investment in their story. The only way is to get an objective third party who can see where the ‘hooks’ could be, so they can give an objective viewpoint of what actually happened. Tarot is also a favourite tool of mine for bypassing emotional manipulation. Often the Tarot will give you harsh truths, even if it’s something you may not be receptive to hearing. After this whole affair, I did a little drawing with the cards and we had a somewhat cute conversation. Here is how it went:

Q: Where do I need to rely on my own judgement more?

A: Page of Swords: You already exercise your judgement more than enough. You’re fine.

Q: What negativity do I have to let go of?

A: The Hierophant: any toxic groups or quasi-cultic structures that you may be part of. Anything that has a whiff of a cult. 

Q: What aspect of my mental health do I need to concentrate on?

A: Two of pentacles: Play more! You don’t spend enough time in the material world. That’s why you were drawn into this dynamic.

Q: What truth do I need to see that I’m currently ignoring?

A: Six of pentacles: “…look very deeply into the whole issue of what having really means both materially (resources) and immaterially (knowledge, power, love). You may see yourself on one side or the other, but this card asks you to reconsider.” (source)

In other words: let go off any material loss you may have suffered because the party involved may have spread bad and untrue words about you. The important thing to have is to have your conscience in tact, even if it means monetary loss.

Q: What do I need to say good bye to?

A: Death: self-evident.

inwards I turn.jpg  Basically, the Tarot is a good way to clarify any loose ends or doubts you may have when you listen to your intuition. Also, another useful technique is to just spend a few moments with yourself and tune into your intuition. Let yourself drift into sleep if you like, but spend those moments in neutral space letting images come in as to what the person you’re dealing with is truly like. For me, I was presented with the image of a snake that strangles its victim slowly, all the while hypnotizing them with sweet words of flattery. (the same friend of mine pictured it more as a boa constrictor, which works I think). I would note that I was not able to discern this person’s energy till I was out of their range. At a distance, I could see the formlessness and snakiness of their energy field reaching into multiple people at once. I felt like I had escaped a dangerous fate.

If you encounter someone like that, please, please, please check in with neutral friends, the Tarot, your intuition. These are tools that are always readily available to you if you need them. The twang of intuition never lies. If you feel your gut twitching at something, do not ignore it. It is almost always a warning sign, and my intuition has never misled me before. The problem is that one the hook is in, you will protest against the truth with all your might. It will take a long time for it to set in. You will have to make the decision, then, to stay in the web even if it provides you with temporary relief or to tear yourself away, even if that will result in destruction, change, and the sensation of free-falling.

When you make the right decision for yourself, the universe will always assist and congratulate you. You will receive signs, lightness and gifts as reassurances that you are doing the right thing. But I understand how difficult the doing is. When faced with such a situation, it is sometimes better to call on external help, be it spiritual (protective entities are free to call on), physical (a steady friend) or emotional (a therapist is trained to see a situation neutrally).

Remember that the most dangerous predators have the sweetest tongues and are dressed in the most beautiful garments. Be careful, my friends.

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Final reading for this person: past/ present / future. Page of Pentacles: youth, new creative and business projects/occupations that bring material gain. Inverted high priestess: lack of intuition/ spirituality, ignoring inner calling or spirituality used for wrong causes. 6 of swords: a long and tedious journey towards recovery.

Update: Since this whole affair, I have had to cut cords once more when said person tried to reconnect through other means. The second cut brought me a lot of space and I feel a new influx of creativity and joy following that. Prior to the cut, I was again overwhelmed by thoughts of despair, so the contrast was quite stark! Thankfully, those feelings have not returned since the second cut (about a month ago now).

oni.jpg  With the cut came also a fair amount of insight and perspective. Seeing this person now, I see a child playing the game of a guru, trying to see how she can manipulate energies in order to get a monetary outcome, much like a child at a slot machine who suddenly finds the magic key towards indefinite rewards. They are fully in belief that they are doing the right thing for themselves because they deserve it, but they are unaware of how much they are motivated by material need and internal lack. To fill the abyss of the self, they take on other people’s energies to fill their flesh. In order to feed their insatiable hunger for approval and identity, they take on the role of that which has no needs: a guru with the immovable mask of control and put-together-ness, while inwardly trying to control the dams of their unbridled self which is in a constant state of crisis. All the while, they believe they are justified in their actions because of how much they were denied in the past.

I feel a lot more distance from this affair, and this also makes me see vampires for what they actually are: endless depths that can never be filled because they are in denial of their essential nature. If you were to admit your predatory nature, you will also feel the pangs of conscience and have to look to other ways to survive. Simply put, it is easier to be parasitic rather than to create one’s own meaning. It’s much easier to justify your actions because you have suffered in the past and you deserve happiness.

The universe is dependent on one’s ability to give and receive in equal measure. Any identity created to provide for one’s internal needs is unnatural as one’s self or being is a state always in flux. In order to truly be creative and present, one has to accept this principle of instability. If you cling onto an illusion of wholeness, of being in control, you will always be in conflict with your true nature.

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